I can't live anymore because I'm already dead inside
"I want to die early" I said "What kind of languages do you get from your father?!" she said. I've been saying that over and over in my head since the past few weeks. I want to die. I can't continue living. After all I've died a long time ago as well. No one believes me. No one acknowledges the things I say. It's hard living like you're just some puppet of some mortal creatures. I want to die so that my soul can finally be at peace with the Lord. I can't continue this path of pain and suffering.
Everyday feels like a dream. A dream wherein I'll wake up and find myself in paradise once more. When my father still loved my mother. I want to believe that this is all a bad dream I'm living in. But it's not. The pain and hardship is real. This pain in my chest is real. The noises in my head is real. My mistakes are real. I just want to get away from it all. That's why I run away. I run away from all the pain that's been buried in my chest. The only distraction from this reality is fiction.
Sometimes I really hate reality, so I turn my back on it. I drown myself in my own computerized pleasures and imagination. At least I could escape reality just for a bit. But I wonder, If I could ever laugh as freely as I always imagined. My depiction of 'laugh as freely' is not laughing because of a silly joke or that your friend did something stupid. I want to laugh because I'm free. Free from all the troubles, free from all the stress and negativity. I want to laugh freely as I always imagined. But I could never laugh for such a reason as that.
In reality, a moment of silence is a moment of truth. You tend to think and reflect about life. The more that I think of it now. I just want to die early. It doesn't matter if I fulfill my dreams, after all I'm only worth "Two pesos". Even potato chips are much more expensive than me. Am I only worth of two pesos load? I think I'm even lesser than that. A friend of mine said this two years ago: "Everyone can't live without a hug at least once a day." So I replied to him "Then how am I still living? Human contact is unnecessary for their daily routine." he wanted to prove me wrong but guess what happened to him now? He's turned his back on his own word.
It's mind shattering that no one believes you. They don't believe that you feel this headache because I'm just 'too young'. They don't believe about me being too concerned about my own grades that I get sick about it. No one believes that I suffer from mild depression. No one believes that I'm broken inside. No one believes that I'm just a shell with no soul. I have to admit those who I consider as 'friends' are actually just people who are really kind to me. Helping me along the way, but what can I do for them? they've done so much for me and I can't do anything for them. I'm just useless.
That's why I'm featuring this song: World So Cold by the Canadian rock band: Three Days Grace
No one believes me.
Maybe, just maybe your fears and insecurities are unreal. If you will take a hard long look, some people are resilient and can still live with peace and contentment despite all the pains and tears. Or it can be that people can get use to the idea that human love and affections are not the end all. There's more to life than that. People will continue to disappoint and reject us but that doesn't mean that life is not beautiful anymore. We have a loving and faithful Father in heaven who loves us unconditionally. People love us with conditions thus, we are disappointed and delusional. I have been accused of living in a dream world but hey, I want a fairy tale and living happily ever after.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth more than you think. We are born for a purpose and I know one day you will see that purpose and God's perfect will for your life. Just trust Him. =)